Inspiring Revision through the Mentor Text:
 Tell students they will be revising their "Eating Unusual Things" writing, but first they will listen to how a really famous author wrote to that idea. The chapter called "Eating the World" in Ralph Fletcher's Marshfield Dreams should be Xeroxed and handed out to your students to read and analyze.
Enjoy the text aloud without stopping. Ask students to remember favorite details from the text.
Ask students to work with a partner and to analyze two things from Fletcher's chapter: 1) his use of interesting verbs; and 2) his use of dialogue.
Create a class list of interesting verbs from the text that imply the verb to eat: munched, gobbbled, chewed swallowed, nibbled, tasted, etc. Then have students brainstorm other verbs that are synonyms for eating. Add to the class list.
Next, have students look closely at Fletcher's dialogue, which adds much voice to the chapter. Fletcher is very good at using tag line verbs (said, replied, asked, etc.) but he is also really skilled at adding other actions to the descriptions that accompany the bits of dialogue. Have students really focus on the examples where instead of a tag line verb, Fletcher gives us a different action ("Ugh!" I wanted to throw up just listening to the description) and the examples where he adds an additional verb to his dialogue tag lines ("That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard," Jimmy said, rolling his eyes.")
Tell students you want them to start from scratch and re-tell their unusual food stories, using inspirational craft skills from Ralph Fletcher. They must, in fact, pretend Ralph Fletcher is going to be in their response groups after they rewrite, and they have to predict which of their sentences they think Ralph would like the best.
Authentic Revision:
If students are stuck with how to begin their new first sentences, keep re-reading this sentence from Ralph Fletcher's chapter, challenging them to mimic the sentence's style, structure, and use of double verbs.:
One morning Tommy wandered away from our house and walked down Acorn Street.
You might model the possibilities to help them get started.
One afternoon my family climbed out of the car and entered our favorite Mexican food restaurant.
or...
One afternoon at a restaurant my father put down his menu and announced that he was ordering menudo. |
As they begin to create more sentences in their stories, remind them to not only reference the class's list of eating verbs but also to think hard about the other verbs they are using in their stories.
I know there are some students who "outlaw" the use of to be verbs and the verb to say. I don't. I think those are verbs that real writers use, but they use them in balance with strong verbs. The only verb I have ever "outlawed" is the verb to get.
Remind students to find a good place to use some dialogue, and refer them back to Ralph's dialogue sentences that do interesting things with verbs.
At some point, show them an improved version of the original model. If you show this before they write or while they are writing, it might further inspire them.
One afternoon at a restaurant my father put down his menu and announced that he was ordering menudo.
"What's that?" I asked, looking for it in my menu.
Dad pointed and I read what it said. It didn't sound so bad. The menu called it a traditional Mexican soup in a spicy broth.
When it came though, I was horrified. There was a pig's foot floating in the reddish broth. There was also something in there that looked like a piece of coral.
When I asked what that was, my Dad replied, "Tripe." It turns out that tripe is cow's stomach. My father gobbbled it down and thought it was delicious.
I refused to taste it even though he offered to let me. It made me so sick that I almost couldn't finish my tacos. |
Extend the Learning:
Assign a few more quick prompts to your students over the next week or two. This time, before students start writing, remind them of Ralph Fletcher's two craft tricks: verbs and good use of dialogue snippets. Challenge them to use those tricks in their first drafts so they can try some new craft tricks during revision time.
Share your Students' Improved Writing:
(and earn a free resource for your classroom)
At WritingFix, we aim to safely publish students' writing from all over the world. We're looking for student samples (from middle and high school school) to post for this page's write-up! If your students write a rough draft that is improved upon by this craft lesson, we want to see both drafts! If we feature one of your student's writing on this page, we will send you a complimentary copy of one of the NNWP Publications for your classroom. Send both drafts to us at webmaster@writingfix.com and let us know which mentor text you used to inspire the improved writing.
Fifth grade samples: |
 Most Disgusting Food Ever
by Danielle, fifth grade writer and reviser
There are a lot disgusting foods but the one gross food I choose was the time my sister ate real bug candy.
Once my family went to my favorite place in the whole world, Virginia City. We did all of their activities. Then we went to the candy store where they have everything. My sister, of course, had to pick out the most disgusting thing ever which is real bug candy. There were ant suckers, fly suckers and even more gross things that she thought were delicious. “Ugh!”
 All in all, there are a bunch of gross foods but the one disgusting food I chose was the time my sister ate real bug candy.
(Teachers...If you click on the image of Danielle's rough draft, you can see it in larger form and note the revisions she worked on!)
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 Bizarre Foods
by Oswaldo, fifth grade writer and reviser
Once I was watching a perplexing show called Bizarre Foods, and saw a creepy guy eat something I would have never expected. Snake soup! I saw them kill the slimy, slithering snake, and then I saw the cruel chefs put the dead snake to boil.
It was sickening to watch when I saw them prepare the gut-wrenching meal, adding more ingredients. But it was much more disgusting when I saw some bizarre people actually scarfing down the concoction.
 If it wasn’t on TV, I would’ve have puked. “Let’s make some!” joked my cousin, seeing how disgusted I was. I would sooner taste dirt before eating something as gruesome as snake soup.
(Teachers...If you click on the image of Oswaldo's rough draft, you can see it in larger form and note the revisions he worked on!)
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 It Smelled like Bacon
by Raeanne, fifth grade writer and reviser
When I was four I tried a Beggin’ Strip. In case you’re wondering, a Beggin' Strip is a dog treat. The only reason why I tried it was because it smelled like bacon. I thought it would be great because I really love bacon.
 Sadly, it didn’t taste like bacon. I ran over to the garbage can and spat it out as fast as I could. "Ewww!" I said in disgust. I know now that I will never, ever, not in a million years try a Beggin' Strip again.
(Teachers...If you click on the image of Raeanne's rough draft, you can see it in larger form and note the revisions she worked on!) |
Click here to print/view these three fifth grade samples. |
Sixth grade samples:
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 Carnival Treat or Worm Bait?
by Riley, sixth grade writer and reviser
One late afternoon on a boring Sunday, I needed something to change my world and that’s what I got. I leaped down to the kitchen and found a plastic case containing three golden apples, all smothered in caramel and roasted peanuts. I took one out and nibbled on it. I found out it was one of the most tremendous fruits I’ve ever put my hands on.
When I was almost finished, I munched into the very last bite and came upon something. The taste of dirt loomed around my mouth.
 “Was this a dream?” I wondered. “Was this really in my apple?”
There was long and slimy worm dangling from my treat. Instantly, I launched it into the stinky trash can. That is when I got sick. Now you can believe that something changed my world that day.
Before that moment, I thought that apple was going to be a carnival treat but now I know it was nothing but worm bait.
(Teachers...If you click on the image of Riley's rough draft, you can see it in larger form and note the revisions he worked on!)
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 Frog Legs
by Katie, sixth grade writer and reviser
One time I was with my friend Olivia, and we went to a restaurant in town called The Pines. It was a night when they had crab and a lot of other foods. When I went to fill up my plate with delicious food, I stopped by to see what was there. There were frog legs.
As I went back to my seat, I snatched a piece of a frog leg. I put it in my mouth and gobbled every bite of it.
“Ew, what is that?” Olivia asked.
“They are frog legs,” I replied with a grin.
It was great because it tasted like chicken, and it did not taste bad at all. Some people would not want to try frog legs because they would probably picture a slimy frog, and they wouldn’t want to put that in their mouths.
 “I wouldn’t want to taste that,” Olivia exclaimed.
But actually, you fry the legs and it looks like pieces of chicken. You never know what a disgusting food will taste like until you try it.
Frog legs are kind of weird to eat when you think about it. But I don’t care what I eat, as long as I like it. Eating unusual things can be hard if it’s really gross. As I get older and go out to restaurants, I will always remember the time when I ate something unusual.
(Teachers...If you click on the image of Katie's rough draft, you can see it in larger form and note the revisions she worked on!) |
Click here to print/view these two sixth grade samples. |
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